I’ve had this post swirling around in my head all weekend. Like many people the world over, I’ve really struggled with the news of Anthony Bourdain’s death. I’m well aware that many people die each and everyday and I don’t write this to make out that his life was more important than any others, it’s just that he’s someone I personally really looked up to. I respected his straight talking honesty and remember with clarity the year his first book was released and all the chefs of the world let out a collective ‘Amen’. It was at the start of my chef career, back when I was happy to accept working 18 hour days and split shifts, when I thought verbal abuse was part in parcel of the industry and thus, not something to complain about. He pulled back the curtain to the hideous realities of professional kitchens and we all applauded this with vigor. His willingness to try new things, experience cultures and his natural flare to connect with people from all walks of life made me dream of travelling the world, eating, as he did. He was real. No ponce. No holier-than-thou attitude whatsoever. He was just like us. He started out washing dishes, just like me. I liked that. Pure genius aside, what has rocked me most is how he went. If he had died of natural death it would’ve been sad, but to learn of his suicide was like a punch in the guts. It literally took the wind out of me.
My teenage self thought of suicide as selfish, I justified my thinking by backing it up with the throwaway comment ‘they were only thinking of themselves’. My adult self knows better. Saying suicide is selfish is not only completely untrue, but it also lacks all understanding and love, the kind of love we all need to be showing each other if we’re all to get through this thing called life. To be in that darkness must be all consuming and we cannot judge that which we don’t understand.
As a chef, his death has felt like we’ve lost one of our team. Another of our team. Anxiety, depression and suicide runs rife in our industry and I wish there was more I could do to help. I’m far from being an expert, but there is one thing I do know, opening up this hard to swallow discussion needs to happen, and now. We need to normalise talking about mental health and we need to be checking in on ourselves, our friends and our family, often. So I’ll start by sharing my story, my battle if you will. I’m not sharing this to draw attention to myself, as an introvert I’d much rather not. My hopes in sharing a little piece of my story is that it will help others out there also struggling, to know you’re not alone and that there is help available if and when you need it. This is too big a thing to hold onto yourself and seeking help is NOT a sign of weakness, but a true sign of strength.
In this world of online lives and social media, it’s all too easy to think that others live perfect lives, not tainted by mental illness or struggle, but I bet you one thing, every single person on earth has experienced some level of distress, if not themselves, then with someone they love. It affects us all and as we all know, it doesn’t discriminate either.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression on and off for most of my life. I bite my fingernails, I’m really hard on myself (to the point of causing a well-known US food blogger to call me fake-humble after we chatted at an event years ago) and at times I feel crippled by life. Is this normal, probably not, but I know I’m not the only one struggling through life. Some of it I put down to my perfectionist personality (which in itself can be both a blessing and a curse), to my naturally melancholy vibe and lack of self belief, or due to certain events in my life (hello being bullied as a kid, hello family break up, hello motherhood, hello life!). I know I paint a rosey picture of my childhood here and in my books and it’s something my sometimes too-honest-for-my-own-good-self has struggled with for years as I’d hate to ever play part in someone else’s feelings of inadequacy. We all know that blogs and social media only show the highlights real, so to speak right? The happy childhood is something I hold on to dearly, if only because the rest was such a mess. I’m thankful for the good bits, as I know that this is not the case for many people who have been dealt a shitty hand from day one. I am grateful, but that doesn’t make it any easier some days. We’re all hurting, this I know.
My childhood was amazing (except for the bullying in intermediate school, that sucked) and then it wasn’t. I won’t go into too much detail here as I have the rest of my family to think about and we’re all pretty private people, but just know that our as-perfect-as-life-can-be-life stopped the day my parents separated. The 20 years that followed were some of the hardest days ever and only now, as I’m nearing 40 (!) am I starting to address some of the demons hiding within. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to get help. I feel no shame in saying I’ve been seeing a counsellor, she has changed my life and I wish this for each and every person out there who is struggling too. It’s often not the ones you think are, either.
Fortune and fame can’t make you happy, if you’re struggling inside. We see this time and time again with famous people who seemingly have it all, Anthony Bourdain, Kurt Cobain, Kate Spade, Charlotte Dawson, Robin Williams. In my experience it only brings added pressure, when ones own views of themselves don’t match up to the views others have of them. Praise falls on deaf ears if the person doesn’t feel it, doesn’t believe it themselves.
I’m gonna finish up today with the words of my dear friend Sash Milne, who knows more than anyone should have had to know about the far-reaching affects of suicide and who has so perfectly put into words the thoughts that Anthony Bourdain’s death has brought up for so many of us… ‘I hope that the conversion that is being had about mental illness and suicide continues with the same vigour and empathy as it is now. I wish it didn’t take losing more public lives for us to talk about something that affects most of us so so personally. We should all talk this way always, with honesty and with compassionate truth about our own struggles and our unspoken pain. We have all been damaged by mental illness, either our own or that of those we love. Many more of us than will ever admit have sat on the edge of the precipice and somehow returned again, many are sitting there right now unsure if they can hold on much longer. Let us be kinder to one another in ways that are real and meaningful and stop with the superficial pleasantries and fluff and nonsense. Let us find words to speak our pain and hear the pain of others and for fucks sake let us do this before the weight of our grief for ourselves or for each other or for our world takes another beautiful life away from us. We have lost too many already, I’m not sure how much more our collective hearts can possibly take.’ –Sash Milne
-Waikato readers: If you’re struggling please know you can access 6 free counselling sessions when referred from your GP. I had no idea until I needed them myself and removing the cost barrier was what made me finally seek help. If you live outside of the Waikato, ask your GP if something similar is available to you.
–This article is brilliant.
–These guys are doing wonderful things for our rangitahi (youth) here in NZ. Please sign their petition to fund mental skills training for our children.
-I urge all New Zealanders to please sign this petition to make counselling free to every NZer.
I used Whittakers Wellington roasted supreme coffee dark chocolate for the ganache. I prefer to grind my own cardamom pods, but at a pinch you could use 1-2 teaspoons ground cardamom instead.
Makes 36 small bites
Set a bowl (glass or stainless steel) over a small saucepan of boiling water, making sure the bottom of the bowl doesn’t touch the water. Place chocolate, coconut milk and maple/brown rice syrup into the bowl and stir until melted and smooth. Remove base from the fridge and pour over ganache, smoothing with a spoon to cover completely. Scatter with reserved chopped walnuts, if using, then return to the fridge for 30 minutes or until ganache is set. Using a sharp knife, slice into 36 small squares. Will keep in an airtight container for up to 1 week.
This recipe was first created for and featured in Nourish Magazine, NZ.
NOTE: Please excuse the messiness of the recipe, I’m having issues with layout after trying to prevent ads from showing up in the actual recipe! Bear with me x
42 Responses
Beautiful post as always Em. <3 Love you always.
Thank you dear Sash, right back at ya xx
Love you. Love this.
Thanks sweets, for your endless support over the years xx
Some good honest truths spoken again. We need more of this in social media apart from the polished fluffy lives it usually portrays. I also found great joy in reading kitchen confidential being a cook myself. I’ve always thought kitchens seem to attract slightly tortured souls, outcasts and kids that thought school had failed them. Hands on learning for me anyway which was a far cry from conventional schooling.
Thanks for your comment Louie, much love x
This goes on my weekend list for sure 😉
Enjoy Sabrina! xx
Can you recommend some good quality coconut milk?
Just look for any that only have coconut and water in the ingredients. There’s a few different ones I use, Aroy-D (found at most Asian grocers), there’s also a cheap one (Essentials brand) sold at Countdown/Woolworths with no nasties x
I just saw Chantal Organics now do a good coconut milk with only coconut and water too 🙂
So much love for this !
Thank you Jenna xx much love
Wonderful post and great shout out for the Kindness Institute x
Thanks Jo. What Kristina and her team are doing is inspirational xx
Dear Em , as a nurse who has worked with patients with mental health problems I agree totally with what you have said,as a mother who has watched her child cope with and support a partner with mental health problems I cannot stress how important it is that we discuss mental health and offer support to those suffering .We must also lobby governments to offer better ,and more accessible health programs for those with mental health problems ,and we must see it as a health program worthy of support as are all other health problems, not something to be whispered about .Congratulations on being brave enough to discuss your own battles, this is the beginning of destigmatisation. I love your blog and your recipes , and I love your openness.xx
Thanks so much for your comment Cheryl, I totally agree we all need to push for better health programs. Yesterday I updated my post with links to some great organisations and petitions I hope we can all support xx
Always love reading your beautiful words Emma & so glad you are talking about this like we all need to. Grace xx
Thanks so much Grace, my hope is that one day the conversation becomes as easy as when we ask how someones job is going x
the day my dad committed suicide ( shot himself … long story ) a good friend of the family told me something I will never forget. I was 20 at the time ( 56 today ) he said ” if your father had died from cancer, it would be seen as OK by people , they understand that. BUT, as he was sick ( physically ) with depression, it is not understood and not seen as a ” real” illness . don’ t pay attention or take to heart.”
for me, at that time, his death was a sort of ‘relief’ as he’s already tried to kill himself twice before, and those 2 years were very hard, not knowing “when and if ” it’ll happen, as well as what to say, how to behave around him.
but even today, as we are more aware of mental health issues , there are still a lot of prejudice and misconceptions, but I guess some people are just ignorant about many things. I try not to take them to heart too much .
((hugs))
I’m so sorry for your loss Neta and thank you for sharing your story with us here. Hugs and love to you x
Hi Emma,
I felt this loss so much too. I also struggle with depression and have so most of my life. I am 41 and l spent all of my 40th year getting real and kicking some life long demons to the curb. Hullauja!
I love your blog and love following you on insta as your realness, humanness and generosity of often replying to my messages shines through strongly.
You have only added to the respect l already had for you. Thanks for sharing. Also thanks for this yummy slice! Can’t wait to try it. Xxx
Thanks so much Dell and YAY to kicking some of those demons to the curb! Much love x
Beautifully said. ✨ Thank you for your courage and vulnerability, it just may save another’s life. 💕
That would be the most amazing thing if it did, thank you xx
Great writing. I have suffered on and off from depression, sometimes suicidal, for 50 years. Supporting other people through depression just by being there, listening, has never brought me lower, on the contrary, there’s nothing better for me than feeling useful, needed, wanted. You don’t know me, but I know / have met your mother, Ben, Louis and Si. I just want to say that if ever you need someone, I live literally 5 minutes away. Seriously. xx
Thank you SO much Cally, arohanui ki a koe x
Thank you, as a fellow introvert who also has a melancholy bent and perfectionist streak it was good to read your post
I’m so glad it resonated with you Michelle xx
In Australia with a referral from your GP you can also access 6 heavily subsidised appointments with a psychologist, and a further 4 in a calendar year if your psychologist and GP agree it is helping. I use this service myself to maintain enough mental health to function in this crazy world we call home. Thanks for sharing Emma, love your work, and Sash’s too – I found her through you! x
Oh that is wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing that info Eleanor, much love xx
ps Sash is one of the most amazing humans I know x
Dear Emma,
this is such a beautifully written piece, I loved it and will share with many people I know. Thank you so much for sharing and putting your experiences out there. Many aspects sound oh so familiar. I feel that the importance of mental health topics are finally starting to be recognized. Also, on a very personal level, reading / hearing / talking about the struggles of other people and how they were able to deal gives me confidence and is very inspiring. THANK YOU F’OR THAT!
Thanks so much for your comment Iris, much love xx
Thanks for sharing this wonderful and delicious recipe.
You’re welcome! x
Hi Emma, I was really shocked and enlightened to read this post. I have your book and love it. I was looking through it a while ago and I commented to my sister, “Wow! This woman has really got it together. I was totally inspired by the fact that you were able to create such amazing recipes while raising children and holding what seemed to be a perfect life together. In that moment, alongside inspiration I had an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I wanted so badly to be someone, to do something meaningful and to have my shit together. And your book to me reflected someone who indeed had it all together. It is so eye opening to know that you have struggled too. It really does give me hope. Sorry if this post is very narcissistic but it just highlights for me that you never know what is going on for someone else even if things look amazing from the outside. You are inspiring xxx
Kia ora Daisy, that’s EXACTLY why I felt the need to share my own struggles! It’s only human nature to look at others in books/online and in person and wrongly assume their life is perfect. There’s no such thing as a perfect life, we all have struggles, some big some small. Some days we’ve got it altogether and other days we don’t! The ups and downs of life aye? I’m so glad my post resonated with you. Much love to you and thank you for your comment x
Oh Emma! Thank you for your post. We have so many youth suicides here in Hawkes Bay, it is becoming a weekly occurrence to hear of a tangi. For me I hold the strong conviction that the ongoing burden of environmental toxins (huge amounts of agricultural chemicals here in the Heretaunga Plains) is a massive contributor to our suicide epidemic, as well as our brand new electronic media induced addictive processes 🙁 🙁 Surely the time has come to draw an end to the poison path? My own life has been one long slow, painful journey of emotional healing which alienated me from what I would consider a normal healthy life for what felt like the longest time. I complained to one of the remarkable people who have helped me along the way and was chastised with a wisdom I will never forget – “Gretta! How dare you complain! You are one of the lucky ones. You are on a healing journey. Healing is a gift. Be grateful”. I am totally grateful for the joy and abundance I get to live with most days at this point in my life. It has been hard won but worth every ounce of effort and remains the most important work that I do every day 🙂
Thanks SO much for your comment Gretta and for sharing a bit about your journey too. We’re all in this thing called life together and I think that might well be the key that we’re all missing in our ‘modern’ lives. Connectedness and openness. I’m so thankful to have met you and I hope our paths cross again soon xx
Ya, I love this recipe so much. I tried this recipe with my friend. Thanks
Stoked you loved it! xx
Drolls throughout the read. I imagine myself eating with no-bake coffee, cardamom with a dark chocolate as it melts inside my mouth. Sweet and yummy!